Rhinestone hats make you look like an asshole.

Yes, Brazilians – you too.

I can hear some of you saying already: “But BLAG, if a $130 hat with the Tamil Tigers logo and plastic gems crammed into it makes me look stupid, what else am I going to wear to the gym?”

Tiger Bukkake design by Ed Hardy

The answer is: Anything. Anything else. Lots of people wear UnderArmour, but that’s expensive. Others wear cheaper Champion stuff. Fuck it, try out the Target house brand fitness apparel. It’s really all the same. Some guys even wear jeans, which is perfect for giving off that “I’m homeless and I use this gym membership for showers” vibe. And that’s fine – I’d be lying if I said I never used a pay-per-day fitness center just so I could get out of my temporary house-car to wash some of the stankier human marinade off of me. We’re all here to better ourselves and humility is golden.

So why drape yourself in the cut-and-sew equivalent of holding humility down and farting on its head? Because that’s what you’re doing when you wear Ed Hardy. You’re demanding that everyone in the room look at you, without caring about why. The unwritten Ed Hardy guarantee is that you’re not buying style, you’re buying the effects of reality television stardom in a box. Only instead of being famous for, let’s say, punching a woman in the face on MTV, you’re famous for being the asshole that wears all that stupid shit at inappropriate times and places.* And, let’s face it, you’ve probably also punched a woman in the face.

-Rod BLAGojevich
Contributing Editor

P.S. – I only used the word “bukkake” so I’d finally get some Google search hits. My apologies to those who feel misdirected.

*All times and places are inappropriate.

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2 Responses to Rhinestone hats make you look like an asshole.

  1. WTF? This hat doesn’t make you look stupid. It’s fucking badass.

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