Reading this blog will make Jesus Christ take you to Heaven.

Somewhere on my brain, there’s a brutal little fold of material that looks kind of like my dad and is telling me that working at 7 on a Friday night is a good thing. My first impulse is to kill that fold with alcohol, but that’s exactly what my father would do …

So, instead I am distracting myself with thoughts of tomorrow.

I assume you all know what tomorrow is. This because, much like the joke that only pedophiles can hear, the BLAG typeface is one that only good Christians can read. That’s right, blaggers. We don’t use any of that Hellvetica here. Just good ol’ fashioned Dingbat.

Christians, I kid you. I’m a recovering Catholic myself. Tomorrow, as you all know, is the Rapture. Not Harold Camping’s ’94 Rapture, (not to be confused with the United States-hosted 1994 World Cup – which also lacked impact). Yes, Rapture 2011 will kick off in America at 6 p.m. as earthquakes originating near Christmas Island hit New York.

The other details (for example, how exactly Heaven-quakes separate sinners from non-sinners, or how non-sinners actually exist, or why the hell Heaven is coming from underground) aren’t really important. But I found myself drawn to one particular statistic: Harold Camping – oh, yeah, the same dude who predicted the World Cup in ’94, whose qualifications include being “just some dude” – and his followers tell us that roughly 3% of the world’s population will be raptured.

I'll say this: He's got a lot of books and papers back there. Also, shutting the blinds to reduce photo contrast was a good call. Who knows what other good calls he's making? Is he trying to smile or cry? Do you think he'll die of disappointment tomorrow? Maybe that's the true meaning of Rapture?

As you may be acutely aware of by now, I get some pretty serious analytics reports for this website. Ever commented on a post? Clicked on a link? Read one of my red hypnosis sentences? Then yes, I have your social security number. The hypnosis sentence actually has nothing to do with the SS#. But, uh, try to make sure you’re not driving a car or eating hard candy exactly two years from now. You’ll see.

The social security numbers are not the valuable data here. I sell those for very cheap (usually not even United States currency!). The important data here is that 3% of the world’s population is exactly/roughly the same number of people who read the BLAG every single day. That’s like, over 30 people.

You already know what I’m going to say next. Reading this blog will make Jesus Christ take you to Heaven. It’s true. It’s true and I PROMISE it. On the condition that the Rapture does indeed happen tomorrow. It was also predicted to occur in 1844, 1914, 1918, 1925, 1942, 1981, 1988, 1989, 1992 and 1993. So, you know, how could it be wrong more than 11 times? That’s just science.

OK, so I’m also drinking. You win again, dad.

See you in Hell in October.

-B.

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