Some of you might have noticed it’s been over a month since the last BLAG update. You might have noticed because you’ve stopped eating, started overeating, haven’t been sleeping, or have been sleeping but wake up only to find that you’ve been grinding your teeth in such rigorous fashion that their rough edges have become smooth and uniform, resembling cartoon character teeth or rows of white Chiclets (remember Chiclets?) more than any kind of classical human mandibles. In fact, hundreds of car wreck victims have gone unidentified since I stopped writing BLAG posts. So, for their families’ closure, I return to bear this burden.
What have I been up to lately? Well, the staff here recently spent some time seaside for our annual kayaking retreat. This was an essential exercise in team building and bonding. As any and all BLAG readers know, “synergy” is an integral part of how we do things over here. The kayak retreat – which was not officially limited to any particular gender – was completely topless, as usual. It goes without saying that the entire BLAG staff, rendered pasty and vitamin-D deficient by constant, monthly toil in the BLAG dungeons, was horribly burnt all over by the vicious, violent sun.
For several days, I writhed in agony, envying the quick and painless slumber of the drowning death that was generously afforded Icarus when he similarly clashed with the sky demon we now call the “Sun.” But much like Tom Cruise’s heroic character in Interview with the Vampire, I hid myself away and regained my strength (but never with dead blood). My skinly prison was shed, much like a butterfly’s cocoon, and I arose from my own ashes like a French indie rock band from that Cadillac commercial. Glorious. Pulchritudinous. BLAG.
I was also doing some comedy writing, which has been just, so rewarding. Looking forward to some extraordinary returns on that. See you all in hell (from my Gulf Stream 6 … in Heaven).
Oh, one more thing. I’m trying to boost readership (I know, right – even more?) by “Search Engine Optimus Prime” or something. I spent literally a few minutes trying to look up what words I’m supposed to use, but it took literally a few minutes. So I’m just going to make educated guesses about what’s “trending” on the Internet about as often as I can and lay it all out in paragraph form so I can trick Google into tricking people into reading this BLAG so that I can, in turn, trick said people into loving (or hating, or anythinging) me. So anyway: Michele Bachman, Bruins, Syria, gay celebrities, Harry Potter, gay Harry Potter, Transformers, Megan Fox, gay Megan Fox, 4chan, Blake Lively naked pictures, Rihanna music videos, Huffington Post, Google(?), Obama, Obama’s a muslim, Obama’s a socialist, Obama’s a communist, Obama birth certificate, Obama impersonator, Obama porn. All right, I think that covers it. Later, sissies.