The Dark Optimist’s Manifesto and why I’m (probably) not the worst human being that ever lived

G’d’evening BLAGosphere,

A quick post today that will likely disappoint, but I need to clear some things up before I move forward with BLAG. In fact, it truly breaks my heart to do this. I fell into BLAGwriting for a lot of reasons. Money, women, power. Boredom. It’s helped with boredom. But lately, I’ve been catching some flak.

There are some out there who seem to be taking BLAG as a serious and sincere representation of my life and personal attitudes and beliefs (mostly women, go figure). It’s more than a few people, I’m not here to single anyone out. I’m just looking to clear the air and dispel some of the undeniably attractive mystery surrounding my public personality. The BLAG is growing bigger than I could have possibly imagined (we’re getting near the mid-30s demographic … by which I mean almost 35 people read this blog). I suppose, if I’m not careful, BLAG could grow to consume me. Much like (fine Italian-American actor) Alfred Molina in the underwhelming Spider-Man 2, I could become enslaved by the multi-mawed technological hydra that is BLAG. (Seriously, who invents a death machine that requires a peripheral inhibitor chip to prevent it from taking over its operator and driving them insane? It’s harder to remove the heat sink from the laptop I’m writing this on than it was to disable that chip.) Nobody wants that to happen. So, I’m breaking from voice for a moment to explain: “voice.”

Kafka once wrote (or said, or thought):

“I write differently from what I speak, I speak differently from what I think, I think differently from the way I ought to think, and so it all proceeds into deepest darkness.”

He’s talking about voice, or whatever, here. Very Kafkaesque. The point is I’m starting to get the feeling that people are seeing me as some kind of negative nihilist prick who hates everything and exists solely to autofellate my own “woe-is-me” mentality. This could be further from the truth. The contraction was left out on purpose because there is a part of me that fits that bill. It’s the funny part. It’s a way to both vent and come up with something that I like doing and that makes maybe a few of my friends happy. And, as some of you complain-ier types have pointed out, I only update like once or twice a month, so I’m not all that negative.

Adorable Puppy picture

I'd write a blog about puppies, but I can't put into words how much I love them. I know I said I hate this post. Now it's my favorite. Adorable.

The BLAG is not me, it’s one of my voices. And this post is the first time I’m really unhappy with something I’m writing here, because I’m breaking (sort of) from that voice and this whole thesis is a self-indulgent turnoff for me. I’m a dark optimist. I see a lot of bad in the world and in people. Maybe I notice the bad more often because I find it jarring and confusing, so I try to figure it out. But I make an effort to turn that into something good and something that will hopefully cheer people up, because that’s what makes me feel good. I don’t understand how that’s negative, but I guess if I thought like you dummies, I wouldn’t be the most successful blagger in human history. Yeah. Think about it.

For the record, I think it’s really douchey to talk about your “voice.” But someone decided that’s the word for it – you can look it up. Same guy who decided that things that are kind of wet should be called “moist.” Yeah, you hate that, don’t you? Moist. My voice is moist.

OK, so in short, I’m not a dick; you guys are dicks. Don’t take me seriously. That includes almost all of this post as well. PEACE & LOVE.

Also, I’ve been reading a lot of Cormac McCarthy lately, so that probably has something to do with it. It’ll be over soon(ish).


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