Blags, I learned something new about people recently. It turns out, sometimes they get lonely. Ranch hands in the Old West referred to this condition as “lonesomeness.” Today, we call it “feeling lonely.”
Now, I have of course never felt lonely. I am constantly surrounded by scores of people who love me more than anything in the world. However, part of why so many people (and animals, which are always the first to know) love me so much, is because I am a bottomless well of empathy. Drawing from this well is what motivates me, and makes me able, to help you losers with this problem.
Now, while reading BLAG is cure-all #1, there are myriad neat little tricks to banish this feeling from your mind. And before you ask, no, none of them involve seeking refuge in actual human companionship. Every man is an island, et cetera, and looking there is MISTAKE #1. Putting all your eggs in one, or a variety of baskets like that is like flooring the gas pedal in a race car made out of failure. So pump the brakes and read on for some proven mental tricks that have, for centuries, cured mankind’s greatest source of unhappiness: being
a pussy lonely.
If prostitution is the world’s oldest profession, then drinking is probably the other oldest thing. Ancient prostitutes were probably gross looking, and were also a cure for loneliness, so that all makes really good sense.
There’s a lot of biology behind this one, but I’ll try to keep it in lay terminology. You see, the human brain contains a large loneliness cortex. It’s nestled right next to the cortex that makes all humans want exactly what they can’t have (and not want what they can), and a bladder filled with hormones that, at random, mainlines stupid idea juice into the rest of the brain, making people do really illogical shit for reasons that probably made a lot more sense before we stopped pooping while walking. All mashed together, these parts compose the lobe of the brain that Buddhists have been telling to shut the fuck up for over a thousand years.
But Buddhism is pretty hard, so drinking is more of a fast-track approach (and if you go all the way in either direction, you eventually forget to eat a lot of meals). Alcohol can drown out this part of the brain. There is some collateral damage, as it drowns the other parts as well, plus your liver and a bunch of other organs. You’ll also gain weight, as alcohol has a stupid amount of calories in it (yes, even bubblegum vodka). Fortunately, all things are relative, and drinking a lot isn’t as bad for grown ups as baby food is for babies. The only true downside to drowning your problems in alcohol, then, is its delightful ability to unpredictably make loneliness much worse-feeling. So that one’s a bit of a gamble.
#2 Be Alone More Often
Practice makes perfect! If you find yourself having problems with loneliness, try being more alone all the time. You’ll get better at it!
#3 Talk to Yourself
Who knows you better than you? Nobody, that’s who. If every man is an island, then you’re your own little episode of Lost. You have the capacity to be both Jacob and the Man in Black. That ended poorly, you say? Yeah, after like hundreds of years cause they were immortal (or, if you’re reading “ended poorly” in another way, because that show had about a three season overrun). You’re not immortal, so you’ll die way before things go south — especially if you’re also following tip #1.
#4 Get a Pet
Do it. That’s a real one. Even if you’re not lonely, pets are great. I prefer dogs. Just make sure you don’t leave them alone all the time — they also get lonely.
#5 Read Charles Bukowski
It’ll put things in perspective and hopefully get you to quit doing tip #1 all the time. Also, your face is statistically less fucked up than Bukowski’s, so you’ve got that going on.
#6 Don’t Call Your Dad
Don’t. Do not. He just can’t help you with that, man. Wait until the next time you’re both heavily #1ed so you can each reluctantly share some things you can both pretend not to remember the next day. Status quo and avoiding communication is the name of the game when it comes to paternal relationships.
And that’s about it! I think I’ve earned myself a #1!