Happy Friday, Blaghags,
The juices are literally flowing today, but I’ll get to that in a minute.
Before Charlie Sheen bastardized the term, turning it into the hash-tagged, self-congratulatory call of shitheads everywhere (it was funny for the first week – that’s it), “winning” was something people who didn’t have massive cocaine abuse problems did. This included people on professional sports teams, and other successful people who view life through a sportsy-lens, in which all things are competitive sports. This is important, because it allows competitive binary thinkers in places like Wall Street to make their soulless finance jobs more devil-may-care and interesting-feeling, without being shackled by that sense of responsibility that comes with jobs that actually matter. I learned that from Boiler Room and the 2008 meltdown. It also lets your average Joe crunch big ticket thinking items like war into little bite sized nuggets of competitive awesome, and improper usage of the pronoun “we.” (Example: “We got Osama Bin Laden!” – when, what they really meant to say was, “They got Osama Bin Laden. I was at Krispy Kreme when I read it on Twitter on my phone.” That’s kind of a rip-off of a Doug Stanhope bit, but it’s OK because I just acknowledged it.)
But I digress. My point is that “winning” is actually success. And success is as simple as realizing your dreams.
Remember when I said “I’ll get to that in a minute”? Well, this is that: This morning, I joined what I like to call the “1%ers.” No, I didn’t join an outlaw motorcycle club. Rather, I am one of the select few people in this world who have literally had a dream, woken up, then made that dream a reality before I fucking brushed my teeth.
In the wee hours of the mid-morning, between the snooze alarms that I was ignoring to be late for work, I had a dream that I was pissing in the shower. Minutes later, the snooze alarm roused me for the final time. I got up, B-lined it for the shower, and you can figure out the rest. My dream came true. No. Dreams don’t just come true. I made my dream a reality.
Some might say that my dream prophesied the event, but that’s a really stupid thought for stupid people who don’t possess good critical thinking skills. Nobody can tell the future, not even me. Except, apparently, when I put my mind to something, like achieving my dreams, because then you know it will happen.
Like when I decided to increase hits on BLAG by 1,315.91% this week. I figured I’d pick a nice, round, achievable number, put a bead on it and BLAM(/G). That’s a couple of dreams realized in one week. And I think that’s a realistic goal to set for myself. Here are some tips for realizing your very own dreams:
1. Don’t have stupid dreams (aka, “good” dreams)
A lot of great dreams leave you waking up to face reality all the more miserable. Mornings are shitty enough without realizing that the life-pivoting moment you just had was completely fabricated by your son-of-a-bitch brain. This happens to me all the time. I like to picture my brain as a little George Clooney, walking around the movie set that is my head, setting up crafty little pranks. I picture this because A) he does this in real life; and B) it allows me to compare myself to George Clooney, Sexiest Man Alive, 2006. See that? I just turned something that made me feel bad into a compliment for myself that is totally undeserved, and I do this all the time. So, if you have this kind of mental fortitude, go ahead and have stupid dreams. Otherwise, stick to:
2. … Having realistic dreams (or bad dreams)
These are the types of ennui-inducing dreams where you find yourself literally at work, or cleaning or doing something else incredibly banal and joyless. You’d fall asleep, if you weren’t already sleeping. So, the polar opposite of a dream about pissing in the shower. Or, even better, your dream is terrifying and painful. I once had a whole dream about dying from a snake bite. I laid there, paralyzed, as the life was helplessly sapped from my body, only waking up just before my final death throes. It was a fantastic dream. You know why? Because I woke up to a reality that was infinitely better. For the dreams about work, you just wake up to the same shit. But, you’re not really disappointed. See, it’s better to suffer in a dream, because a lot of dreams last only a few seconds or minutes. The following morning’s “Dream Fallout,” however, can last all day. I’ve had entire days ruined by really great-feeling dreams. I actually have no idea how to control this, because I haven’t yet had a dream about controlling my dreams that I can realize. Feel free to comment with a solution to this or all of my problems.
3. Have dreamless sleep
This is mostly what I do. Nine times out of 10, I don’t dream about a goddamn thing. It’s just pitch black until morning. That, or I don’t remember most of my dreams. Either way, I wake up most mornings tabula rasa, like a newborn baby. In fact, a couple days ago I woke up having lost most of my equilibrium. I regained my ability to walk on my way to the bathroom. Do you know how long it takes most human beings to learn how to walk? Longer than that. So that was a little success nugget right there.
Let’s say, for a moment, that you lack the mental fortitude to dictate the terms of your own dreams, and are forced to work with whatever your mind presents you. I can only assume you’ve ignored steps 1-3, in which I clearly instructed you to grab your brain by the horns (I lied in #2 when I said I can’t control this). Instead, it is now just dragging you around the ring by the stirrup, while terrifying rodeo clowns laugh at you, refusing to help, even though it’s their goddamn job. That actually sounds like a pretty sweet bad dream, in which case you’ll wake up feeling great (unless you wake up attached to a stirrup attached to a bull that’s dragging you around a rodeo while clowns laugh at you. The scariest part is, of course, the clowns. The upshot is your reality won’t be worse than the dream).
Anyway, the key to realizing your dreams is to be realistic. You’re not going to fly, and you’re not going to wake up next to the real-life version of those naked pictures of Scarlett Johansson. But there were silk sheets in that Johansson dream, weren’t there? Go buy silk sheets! Dream: realized (unless you can’t afford silk sheets – I cannot).
See, the trick here is adjusting your expectations, gauging what is realistically attainable, then attaining it. That’s how being happy in waking life works as well. Start with your mind and the rest will follow.
All right, I’m off to go daydream about myself taking a nap.