Illness has taken me. My body, my nose, my throat – are all experiencing mild discomfort. The delirium renders me nigh unable to compose rational thought. It gets a man to thinking of pulling a Steve Jobs and resigning from my post as head of this Wunderprojekt.
But, Jobs in mind, resigning is a dangerous business. With nothing more to drive me, no duty to perform, I would surely succumb to the virus that even now stalks my veins. And, were I to shuffle from this mortal coil, how many more loyal readers would soon follow after their own despair? What would drive you, if not the oft-disappointing, waking hope of a new daily BLAG post? Will that actually ever happen? Maybe if I didn’t have a day job …
Which brings us to Columbus Day! Today we celebrate the birth of true American, Christopher Columbus, architect of the very first Columb-something Massacre. And before any of you Occupy Wall Street types start in about the facts I’m presenting here, or claiming that Columbus was a dick, think about this: If it wasn’t for him, you’d all be speaking Native American right now.
OK, so maybe Christopher Columbus was no Gandhi. But look at things from his perspective. He told a Spanish Queen (right?) that he could find an easier way to get to India or wherever, so he could buy spices. So right off the bat, he’s just trying to get really rich. Then, on his way there, he gets confused because everyone back then was stupid and ends up in the Caribbean. Completely understandable. Then, he notices that he doesn’t know where the fuck he is, but the water’s really blue, and there’s kickass fruit everywhere, and that he has never before seen so many Dominican women with cinnamon tans. Keep in mind, this is a few boatloads of Italian and/or Spanish men that had been at sea for months in tight quarters and with no Internet, so it’s almost like stopping a prison bus at a YWCA and not expecting the prisoners to get off the bus. Did I mention the women were naked? There were also native men and, statistically speaking, some of Columbus’ sailors were probably gay.
Then he did a bunch of other things that were pretty terrible. But lots of white people to this day board ships to the southern latitudes in an effort to impose their will upon the service industry, overstay their welcomes and alienate the locals. And they do this not because they seek wealth or discovery, but because they hate their jobs. And that’s why we have Columbus Day off.
All right. I’m off to put my nimble fingers to task with some Dayquil flip-cup (the cups are tiny).