It’s been a good couple weeks since BLAG saw any activity. I’ll admit, for most of that time, I actively ignored any and all things BLAG.
It could have been for a number of reasons. For one, my most recent post was a bit political, and politics stress me out. SCOTUSBLAG left a bad taste in my mouth, so I’m thinking that I probably won’t consistently write about Supreme Court decisions moving forward.
I know that will be a letdown to all the readers who had fallen in love with the column, but these hot topic issues can push a lot of people’s buttons. I tend to stop caring about most political issues within 15 minutes of when I started caring about them, so putting them on the Internet forever feels counter-representative of the BLAG’s mission statement, which is to broadcast to the Universe the things I love and care about, and the thoughts I have, which are made slightly more important than other, regular thoughts, purely by virtue of the fact that I’ve taken the time to write them down, proofread them (sort of) and then make them public (sort of).
Unfortunately, the hard truth is that I don’t follow entertainment news or most sports, save for the stuff that penetrates my sphere of understanding regardless, because I’m a person who lives in the world. So, it’s probably going to happen again (me mentioning current events). Nobody wants to hear it, but it’s going to happen anyway because I can’t avoid it.
Just keep in mind that if you ever want to argue with something I say here, you don’t really need to bother. I’m a complete relativist, which means I pretty much have no convictions and by the time you read my opinion here, there’s a good chance that I don’t even care what my own opinion on that thing is anymore! Weird, right? I know, I don’t get it either!
Which brings me to my newest idea for a column that I may or may never again actually continue (I’m looking at you, Shit that would disappoint my father — not discontinued due to a lack of material).
I Don’t Get It! This will be some kind of list format of things that I’m currently not getting. This could include anything from hot, in-the-now topics of conversation that everyone at your office is buzzing about, to how new kinds of soap dispensers work or which magazine subscriptions I literally do not get.
Some people say, “there’s no time like the present.” I make a point of living my life by that mantra, very selectively, so off we go!
I Don’t Get It!
1. Those new soap dispensers.
You know which ones I’m talking about. Liquid in the bottom, but foam out the top? What’s happening in the middle part there? I don’t get it!
2. Tin foil doesn’t really get hot.
I like to put a sheet of tin foil under stuff I put in the oven. I do it mostly to be wasteful, but also to disrespect survivors of the future collapse of civilization and cessation of all means of manufacturing that will immediately follow. Some day, tribes of reluctant cannibals will huddle around a fire, and ooh and ahh about the peoples who lived in the long long ago, before the dark times, and how they had sheets made of glistening metal, and used them to keep their Bagel Bites from melting onto the baking pan, which they didn’t want to have to clean, and then discarded them after a single use! Or, also a lot of people who live in landlocked, underdeveloped regions in Africa, right now. Right while you’re reading this.
Anyway, tin foil comes out of the oven and is immediately cool, even when all the other metal stuff and food is really hot! I don’t get it!
3. Stuff Mitt Romney is responsible for.
There’s been a lot of ad-sparring between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney lately, because they both want to be president. With presidents, much like Highlanders, there can be only one (at a time). Unlike Highlanders, presidents don’t need to be decapitated to be killed, although they certainly can be, but they also don’t need to be killed in order to be replaced.
Fortunately for all parties involved, these two fellas seem to be a few degrees away from reaching that level of recourse (though, it is only July), and are currently more focused on “votes” than martial combat.
The attacks posit that Mitt Romney was responsible for Bain Capital outsourcing jobs like they were going out of style, which they do actually appear to be doing (especially in lots of Europe). The point of defense is that, while Romney was CEO, President, and owner of Bain Capital (or otherwise in charge on paper), he was on leave to save the U.S. Winter Olympics, and thus was not responsible as the outsourcing decisions were made by some kind of Hand of the Mitt, Regent and Protector of the Firm.
My issue with this is purely logistical. I’ve been reading A Game of Thrones, and when Ned Stark orders Robert Baratheon’s bannermen to retrieve Gregor Clegane’s head in the name of the king’s justice, I totally inferred that that meant Robert was ultimately responsible for the order, even though he was on a hunting trip.
My other issue is that Mitt claimed responsibility for the auto industry bailout, which isn’t even a thing he was at least responsible for on paper. If Romney isn’t responsible for that outsourcing, it means that A) A Game of Thrones is stupid, which it fucking is not, and B) it also logically would mean that people can be more responsible for things that they certainly didn’t do than they are for things that they probably did, or at least are technically definitely responsible for. If you’re confused by that, then you’re all caught up to where I am. I don’t get it!
4. Parmesan cheese lasts way longer than regular cheese in the refrigerator.
Right? It’s all surface area, it should mold faster! I don’t get it!
That’s it for this, the first installment of I Don’t Get It!