@AnnCoulter: NEW COLUMN IS POSTED! OBAMA: HALF-BLACK BUT ALL DEMOCRAT – Obama: I never even suspected I wanted it?
Don’t bother checking her feed — that’s not a real Ann Coulter tweet.
Or is it?
It isn’t. But it’s close! I recently discovered something that I assume everyone else already knows about, but am nonetheless very, very excited: That Can Be My Next Tweet. Here, you plug in the Twitter handle belonging to you or, for greater entertainment, a famous person that talks way too fucking much, hit the button, and a brand new tweet is randomly generated!
The tweet is based upon data compiled from all of the user’s past tweets. So, if you’re a person who has varied interests and loads of unique ideas, the randomized tweets won’t make a lot of sense. If, however, the Twitter handle in question is owned and operated by someone who consistently spouts talking points, sound bites, or any other worthless kind of language about a generally singular topic, usually political party stuff, the generated tweets actually start to make sense, at least relative to their typical tweets.
“OK, I still don’t care,” you might be saying, since you’re an anonymous Internet guy, and those are the worst human beings on the planet. That’s why it’s time for some more samples. Here’s another from Ann Coulter, since I already have it up in another tab:
@AnnCoulter: Are any white men there??? Obama going to Hawaii, give China wants to help O fail) U can fact-check!
Again, rub your eyes — that’s not a real Ann Coulter tweet! I’ll admit I don’t usually understand what she’s talking about, but this looks to me like a pretty good, Vietnamese-quality knock-off. As I said, politics stuff works pretty well. Any given politician or pundit only has about several things to actually say at any given time. Mixing these things up creates kind of a cool “scripted thought collage” that, in many ways, is more important than any one sound bite or human-scripted tweet. Let’s have a look at some more, from other wildly popular public figures:
@realDonaldTrump: For the tools & my announcement is an opening. 70% of fun. You can’t do any worse!
What’s that, Donald Trump? Your October surprise announcement was for tools, and you did it mostly for fun? I couldn’t do any worse? If you say so!
@mittromney: Important fundraising deadline at 30,000 feet The 21st century began with terror, war, and it better off?
Still too soon, Mr. Romney. Man, I can’t believe Obama didn’t bring this tweet up in the first debate.
@barackobama: FACT: Rep. Steve King, who we look back to withdraw support for women. President Obama is rape.
Yikes … looks like Barry fell asleep on that one, too. Not the message you want to be sending to women voters, Mr. Obama. Perhaps Stephanie Cutter could step in for some damage control …
@stefcutter: 100% agree. on their $5 trillion tax cut defense After telling 2 voters nationally Those who already cast?
Whoa … wait, please don’t change the subject. Slow down and back up, Steph. I believe you opened by saying that you “100% agree” that “Obama is rape.” A $5 trillion tax cut? How will that affect the deficit?
@AndrewWK: You dudes rule!!! Thank you for allowing me to jack, we party posters! Retweet this huge PARTY POSTERS!
OH-HO!! Awesome! Andrew WK is here! What’s up, bro? You know I’ll retweet that shit! PARTY POSTERS!
That guy is so genuine, even his randomized tweets aren’t bullshit. Write in Andrew WK for president in November.