Has everybody read this 619-word New York Daily News article about Kate Middleton vomiting?
No, of course not. Young people don’t care to stay informed anymore. They’re too busy reading Kim Kardashian tweets about shoes designed for cartoon characters to give a shit about what actual royalty is doing.
In case you couldn’t be bothered to read the story because you’re selfish, Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, which is technically not in Boston, felt terrible today. She threw up everywhere:
… she began vomiting violently and a worried William drove her home to London.
It’s hard to imagine this poor woman’s agony. This rare and devastating affliction, hyperemesis gravidarum*, affects 1 in 50 expecting mothers, and 100% of “social” drinkers.
A more cynical person might ask, “Why is it news when one person throws up? Particularly when it’s British royalty, and this is America, where we cast off the shackles of monarchy hundreds of years ago?” Well, deep down we all need royalty. America has its own sort of royalty as well. The only problem is, our royalty is celebrity — and nobody really cares anymore if Lindsay Lohan throws up, or misses another court date, or runs over a dog with her car, or dies doing cocaine in her bathtub. I don’t even know for sure if Lindsay Lohan is alive right now. It just doesn’t matter.
But when a duchess vomits, even if it’s just from being pregnant and not from doing something cool … oh baby, that’s a hit of the good stuff.