It’s new feature time! Or new section. Whatever I usually call these. This one is succinctly titled, “Yelp Reviews For Parts of My Life.” For legal purposes, I want to make clear that this section has nothing at all to do with Yelp, Inc., the San Francisco-based online user review service, on which it is based and named after. This is totally different.
So you’ve seen Yelp.com, right? If so, you should be all caught up (if not, click the link, dummy). Without further ado:
Yelp review for what I made for dinner tonight
Category: Whatever was in my kitchen already; didn’t feel like going to the store (across the street)
The “best” and only meal on offering was a thin spaghetti served with a light (read: insufficient amount of) ground turkey and diced tomato sauce. I feel like it’s important to describe the process of cooking this food in order to give other users the full experience, kind of like at one of those Asian restaurants where they cook the food in front of you and juggle spatulas and build a little rice volcano.
The turkey meat had clearly been frozen for a very, very long time. Hints of freezer re-burn suggested that this meat was old enough at least to have been moved from my old apartment into my new one at the end of last summer, causing some melting in the interim, before being refrozen. While this meat was likely not dangerous to eat, it sure tasted like it was.
The turkey meat was sautéed (sort of) straight out of the freezer, in a pan, after simmering olive oil and minced garlic for several minutes. The minced garlic added relatively little flavor, so I also dumped some powdered garlic in there, as well as diced tomatoes (canned), basil flakes, onion flakes, generic “Italian” seasoning, and a single bay leaf, as if that was going to make the whole thing great.
The thin spaghetti was handmade — ha ha, just kidding — and was prepared by bringing a pot of water to a near-boil because I got impatient, then breaking all of the noodles in half, which you aren’t really supposed to do (also because I was impatient), then dropping all the noodles into the pot of pretty hot water. Not sure how long I cooked that for, because I forgot to check the time or set a timer. The reason I did that was because I was busy getting some text messages about a plan that fell through for this weekend. I stopped boiling the pasta once it “looked OK.”
A note on salt: I usually add salt “to taste” when boiling my pasta. But this time I didn’t because I no longer own salt, and I decided “fuck it, whatever.”
Next, I just kind of dumped most of the boiling water into the sink, freehand. I have a colander, but those are weird to clean — do you clean the outside of it? The inside? Both?
Once most of the milky pasta water was down the drain, or in some of the dirty bowls and drinking glasses that kind of hang out in my kitchen sink, it was time to scoop it into the deep pan that was still burning the turkey meat and other aforementioned miscellany!
I did that, mixed it up and put a little bit too much on a plate, which I then doused with a thick coat of Parmesan cheese, evoking childhood memories of idyllic noodly hills dusted with a February snow! This I did because my recent cholesterol results were better than expected, so I don’t have to worry about my health anymore.
The Epicurean feast was then served to me, by me, upon my coffee table, and complimented perfectly with an old Sam Adams pumpkin beer that I found in the back of my fridge because it was either that, or a Wachusett Blueberry Beer? Blech!! Who brought that over?
Anyway, I’m not hungry anymore. Atmosphere was terrible. Two stars.