New feature: Yelp Reviews For Parts of My Life

It’s new feature time! Or new section. Whatever I usually call these.  This one is succinctly titled, “Yelp Reviews For Parts of My Life.” For legal purposes, I want to make clear that this section has nothing at all to do with Yelp, Inc., the San Francisco-based online user review service, on which it is based and named after. This is totally different.

So you’ve seen Yelp.com, right? If so, you should be all caught up (if not, click the link, dummy). Without further ado:

Yelp review for what I made for dinner tonight

Gross.

Hmm.

Category: Whatever was in my kitchen already; didn’t feel like going to the store (across the street)

Two stars.

The “best” and only meal on offering was a thin spaghetti served with a light (read: insufficient amount of) ground turkey and diced tomato sauce. I feel like it’s important to describe the process of cooking this food in order to give other users the full experience, kind of like at one of those Asian restaurants where they cook the food in front of you and juggle spatulas and build a little rice volcano.

The turkey meat had clearly been frozen for a very, very long time. Hints of freezer re-burn suggested that this meat was old enough at least to have been moved from my old apartment into my new one at the end of last summer, causing some melting in the interim, before being refrozen. While this meat was likely not dangerous to eat, it sure tasted like it was.

The turkey meat was sautéed (sort of) straight out of the freezer, in a pan, after simmering olive oil and minced garlic for several minutes. The minced garlic added relatively little flavor, so I also dumped some powdered garlic in there, as well as diced tomatoes (canned), basil flakes, onion flakes, generic “Italian” seasoning, and a single bay leaf, as if that was going to make the whole thing great.

The thin spaghetti was handmade — ha ha, just kidding — and was prepared by bringing a pot of water to a near-boil because I got impatient, then breaking all of the noodles in half, which you aren’t really supposed to do (also because I was impatient), then dropping all the noodles into the pot of pretty hot water. Not sure how long I cooked that for, because I forgot to check the time or set a timer. The reason I did that was because I was busy getting some text messages about a plan that fell through for this weekend. I stopped boiling the pasta once it “looked OK.”

A note on salt: I usually add salt “to taste” when boiling my pasta. But this time I didn’t because I no longer own salt, and I decided “fuck it, whatever.”

Next, I just kind of dumped most of the boiling water into the sink, freehand. I have a colander, but those are weird to clean — do you clean the outside of it? The inside? Both?

Once most of the milky pasta water was down the drain, or in some of the dirty bowls and drinking glasses that kind of hang out in my kitchen sink, it was time to scoop it into the deep pan that was still burning the turkey meat and other aforementioned miscellany!

I did that, mixed it up and put a little bit too much on a plate, which I then doused with a thick coat of Parmesan cheese, evoking childhood memories of idyllic noodly hills dusted with a February snow! This I did because my recent cholesterol results were better than expected, so I don’t have to worry about my health anymore.

Simulation(source)

Simulated image
(source)

The Epicurean feast was then served to me, by me, upon my coffee table, and complimented perfectly with an old Sam Adams pumpkin beer that I found in the back of my fridge because it was either that, or a Wachusett Blueberry Beer? Blech!! Who brought that over?

Anyway, I’m not hungry anymore. Atmosphere was terrible. Two stars.

~BLAG

Advertisements
This entry was posted in All, Yelp Reviews For Parts of My Life and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to New feature: Yelp Reviews For Parts of My Life

  1. James says:

    This is the first Blag I’ve read in entirety. I originally signed up as a goof on a friend. For a long time it was just one if those emails I had to delete regularly, w/o reading, like MerriamWebster Word Of The Day.

    Then I started reading a sentence or two before trashing it. Today, I accidentally read it all. It was a bad morning. Woke up before 6am and wasn’t thinking clearly and I really LOVE yelp.

    By the time I realised what i was doing i was nearly finished. So I dared myself to push on…and had an honest grin on my face at the end. I liked the bit about the colander. And the bay leaf. Bottom line is, if you accidentally read Blag someday, don’t panic. You might not regret it.
    Overall…Four Stars. Out of Five. Quit your day job and focus on this.

    • BLAG says:

      Claiming you had to delete the emails “regularly” is clearly an overstatement. But I do appreciate the New England-style positive reinforcement. Thanks!

  2. creeped says:

    Screw you, I’m hungry now. Who will bring me food? WHO WILL BRING ME FOOD?

    For that, One Star.

  3. Greetings I am so delighted I found your webpage, I really found you by error, while I was browsing on Aol for something else, Regardless I am here now and would just like
    to say thank you for a remarkable post and a all round interesting
    blog (I also love the theme/design), I don’t have time
    to browse it all at the moment but I have saved it and also added
    your RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back to
    read more, Please do keep up the great job.

  4. I will right away take hold of your rss feed as I can
    not in finding your e-mail subscription link or e-newsletter service.
    Do you have any? Please let me recognize so that I may just subscribe.
    Thanks.

  5. I am curious to find out what blog platform you’re working with?
    I’m experiencing some small security issues with my latest
    site and I’d like to find something more secure.
    Do you have any solutions?

  6. It’s perfect time to make some plans for
    the future and it’s time to be happy. I’ve read this post and if I
    could I want to suggest you few interesting things or advice.
    Perhaps you can write next articles referring to this article.

    I wish to read more things about it!

  7. Does your website have a contact page? I’m having trouble locating it but, I’d like to send you an email.

    I’ve got some ideas for your blog you might be interested in hearing.
    Either way, great site and I look forward to seeing it grow over time.

  8. I’ve been browsing online more than 2 hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours.
    It’s pretty worth enough for me. In my opinion, if all
    site owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the net will be
    much more useful than ever before.

  9. Thank you for the auspicious writeup. It in fact was a
    amusement account it. Look advanced to more added
    agreeable from you! However, how could we communicate?

  10. Great work! This is the kind of info that are meant to be shared around the net.

    Disgrace on Google for not positioning this submit higher!
    Come on over and consult with my website . Thanks =)

  11. I’ve been surfing online more than 3 hours nowadays, but I by no means discovered any fascinating article like yours.

    It’s pretty worth sufficient for me. In my view, if
    all web owners and bloggers made good content material as you did,
    the net will be much more useful than ever before.

  12. Good day! I could have sworn I’ve been to this site before but after going through some of the posts I realized it’s new to me.
    Anyhow, I’m definitely pleased I found it and I’ll be bookmarking it and checking
    back frequently!

  13. Heya i’m for the first time here. I found this board
    and I find It really useful & it helped me out a lot.
    I hope to give something back and help others like you aided me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s