Whoa, OK, hold on – Bieber Nation Update: #CutForBieber

President Obama recently gave a press conference, I believe the point of which was to  nominate former Senator Chuck Hagel for the position of Secretary of Defense.

I did not watch the conference or read any reports about it, but I can only assume that the Commander-in-Chief also addressed the photos of living boy-god Justin Bieber’s alleged drug use.

Everything. Everything about how you look is dumb to me.

Everything. Everything about how you look is dumb to me.

The news that Justin used marijuana, mere weeks after Christmas of all days, spread like fire — the kind of fire that Bieber likely used to aid him in his drug smoking addiction. There was no doubt in my mind that the Bieber-related death count could only rise as a result of this shocking news that an 18-year-old rich kid smoked pot.

But boy oh boy, am I apparently way too old to understand how bad it has been for kids’ brain development to get smartphones before they get puberty.

In what might be the single greatest generational misunderstanding of the nature of cause and effect, the #CutForBieber campaign has swept the Twittersphere, according to an article I read. The logic goes something like: if Beliebers (Bieber fans) cut themselves and post photos of it on Twitter, Justin Bieber will stop smoking pot. As moms worldwide know, acute guilt is the best way to stop teenagers from doing things.

The campaign was reportedly started as a prank by users of 4chan*, an online Eichmann**-emulation platform. The prank involved tweeting photos of actual unrelated cutting wounds, coupled with false claims that this was done in order to get Bieber to stop smoking pot and the #CutForBieber hashtag. The only problem is, kids raised on the Internet think that the point of a prank is to send your mark to the hospital, and the campaign urged other kids to cut themselves as well.

Or, perhaps more innocently, the pranksters figured nobody would actually do this. But they didn’t consider one very important fact: the only kinds of people who get up-in-arms over pot use are adults who get paid to enforce laws, and teenagers who haven’t smoked pot yet. And one of these groups breathes Twitter and is impressionable enough to do anything. Anything at all.

So, much as recent polling suggests that 66% of my age group sports some kind of tattoo, young Millennials with Bieber-scars will soon outnumber those without, and everyone who parties with Justin Bieber will just have to put their phones in a little dish first, and that dish will stay with one of his bodyguards outside the hotel room, which is what he should have done in the first place.

~BLAGcorp Entertainment News Division

*For the uninitiated, 4chan is a website where today’s children go in order to purge themselves of human empathy before it gets locked in as their brains finish forming.
**For the extra-uninitiated, all you need to know is that Eichmann was a guy in Germany who probably didn’t have any feelings, and he’s the second best reason to not name your kid “Adolf.”
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3 Responses to Whoa, OK, hold on – Bieber Nation Update: #CutForBieber

  1. creeped says:

    Wow. This post is full of a crap load of stupidity. The paparazzi. The pranksters. The beliebers. The Bieber (seriously, save for the checkered shirt which is passable, that entire outfit is a hot mess).

    I would have felt that the five to ten minutes it took me to read this post (I got distracted by the links) was an incredible waste of my time, save for the fact that it is all so stupid, that it is hard to believe it is real. Which makes it amazing.

    • BLAG says:

      Thank you, sir. This post was not what I would call enjoyable to write. It’s the result of a perfect mixture of insomnia, boredom, and happening upon this “no fucking way” breaking story. I also thought the shirt was fine, but that hat is shaped like Bruno Mars’ haircut. I assume he designed the owl tattoo himself.

  2. Hello there! This blog post couldn’t be written much better!
    Looking at this post reminds me of my previous roommate!
    He constantly kept talking about this. I will send this post to him.

    Fairly certain he will have a great read. Thank you for sharing!

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