Yelp Review: Refried bean quesadillas

It’s time again for another installment of “Yelp Reviews for Parts of My Life,” which would almost definitely be better titled “Me Reviewing Stuff I Tried to Cook for Myself.” But, you know what they say about branding: stick with your first idea and never reinvent yourself!

Amateur food porn

Category: Low-effort/Mexican dish

Mystery rating to be revealed at the end!

With the recent release of the horror flick, Mama, it seemed appropriate to honor the film’s producer, Guillermo del Toro, with a truly Mexican fiesta, which means “feast” in Spanish. It also seemed appropriate because these bad boys are an easy 40% of my diet.

I hope you’ve got some time on your hands, because this killer ingredient list goes on for miles — there are no shortcuts when you want your mouth to burst with flavors:

  • Goya refried bean paste (canned)
  • Shredded cheese — doesn’t matter what kind
  • Olive oil
  • Sour cream
  • Frank’s Red Hot sauce
  • Avocado
  • Four of the shittiest tortillas I’ve ever seen

I had the pleasure of watching the master chef construct these works of — well, what else can I call them? — art from scratch. Form met function before my very eyes as the gastronomic midwife birthed his fiesta, replete with all the grotesque horrors of actual childbirth. But perhaps no metaphor can do these bean quesadillas justice; like all great works, they must stand on their own.

The refried bean paste served not only as the meal’s necessary protein and caloric base, but also as a natural glue that held the flimsy tortillas together. The glue-factor  was further enhanced with the shredded cheese and, I have to say, the chef might have tried his hand at engineering in another life. What began as a flaky mess would soon be fortified into a dish so well-made that it was a struggle to cut it with a serrated edge!

After heating over a gas flame, these little Picassos were slathered in sour cream and hot sauce, and topped with some diced avocado to class it all up with fresh color and some of that good fat. Avocado is a natural HDL booster, and is actually a large berry!

Then I struggled with Instagram for a little while to get the above picture while the quesadillas cooled significantly. It was worth it though, because the picture looks great.

So, overall these were kind of gross, and probably the worst quesadillas I’ve made, but fuck it. I’m not picky. Ten stars. Out of five.


P.S. — Regular readers may have some questions regarding the new header image: it’s naked Sir Ben Kingsley holding a squid. He was in Sexy Beast.

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3 Responses to Yelp Review: Refried bean quesadillas

  1. creeped says:

    Ha! What a great way to celebrate the massive film event, Mama.

    That’s hit Meryl Streep in it, right….?

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