SportsBLAG: Beyoncé Roundup

Well, I asked your opinions on the Facebook fan page and, after doing some light math, you voted overwhelmingly in a 2:1 ratio that I do a write-up on Beyoncé, following her exceptional performance at the Super Bowl on Sunday.

But what can I say about Beyoncé that her concurrently elegant and powerful thighs haven’t already said, and more tactfully than my dumb words could allow? She’s got a longer Wikipedia article than the current Pope, and that guy was up to all sorts of things before Beyoncé was even born. German things. My point is I don’t have the time to read all about Beyoncé just to satisfy the literary cravings of my BLAG-addled word-junkies. Here’s what I do know about her:

1. She’s still got it

After all these years, Beyoncé has still got that “it-factor” that everybo–wait, she’s only four years older than me? Actually, less than that if you do the month-math. Man, but she’s been around forever, right? I thought she was like 42. I mean she looks great, but you always see her next to Rihanna who looks younger and pretty (for now) and, I don’t know … I always just kind of thought of Jay-Z and Beyoncé as Rihanna’s parents. Not literally, but in a hip-hop kind of way. Or maybe I’m not wrong? Maybe Beyoncé is old. But that’d mean that stupid college student I talked to at a bar three weeks ago was right and that I’m kind of old, too. No … that can’t be right. College kids don’t know anything. Do they?

2. She’s also known as “Sasha Fierce”

Hey, news flash, buddy: Beyoncé is FIERCE. No, I don’t just mean that in the adjective way, like she’s some kind of big cat, like a jaguar. I mean literally, her name is also Sasha Fierce. Not literally, though. It’s like a nom de plume, only she doesn’t write books, too … right? OK … OK, I don’t think she’s written any books yet. Phew. Leave something for the rest of us.

Her 2008 release, I Am… Sasha Fierce, is a dual-album (consisting of discs I Am… and Sasha Fierce) that introduces Beyoncé’s alter ego, Sasha Fierce, whose most noteworthy difference from Beyoncé Classic is that she wears a goatee and hates animals. (Don’t go nuts, though. The “dual-album” has a combined 11 tracks, which I think is pretty light even for one, normal, single-ego album.)

Here’s a tip from the trenches: don’t fall asleep listening to I Am… unless you’re prepared to wake up to Sasha Fierce in the middle of the night.

Sasha, get out of my dreams, you evil bitch!

Stay the hell out of my dreams, you evil bitch.

3. “Bootylicious” has been added to the Oxford English Dictionary

“Bootylicious” is a portmanteau of the words “booty” and “delicious” and was made widely known by the eponymous Destiny’s Child single, before Beyoncé and Sasha Fierce went solo (as a double-person). That means “eponymous” and “bootylicious” are both words that you can use in Scrabble, probably for a lot of points.

Welp, that’s it. That’s all I know about Beyoncé. I only hope that this experience for those of you who voted was at least less disappointing than all those other times you voted for things. Pandering to public opinion sure was an experience for me!

Until next time,


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