The gentleman’s guide to how much you should drink at different things

It might seem like I haven’t written any posts in a while to you folks out there who aren’t me. Nothing could be further (farther? father?) from the truth. I write posts all the time. In fact, I’ve written some material that’s far better than anything viewable on this site by miles. That’s why I save it just for me. I save these gems for my secret death portfolio. That’s right — my most brilliant material is located in a safety deposit box. Every week, I submit a new short-form masterpiece. All of these manuscripts are set to be released to the public at the time of my death. There are no stipulations as to how I must die in order to trigger this release. It could be by apparent accident, or … well, let’s just say the game has begun.

In other news, it’s summer. You know what that means, right? Yup, same as the dead of winter — lots of drinking! A little background in case you’re a new person: lots of drinking has been done by humans since at least as early as 8,000 B.C., which was probably when the first job was created and man needed to push his abbreviated leisure time into hyperdrive with extra, alcohol-induced leisure. God later invented the hangover, because of gay people, presumably (I’m making some assumptions here because I can’t read Sumerian).

So there’s the history of it and it all seems fairly simple. However, modern man (and, to a lesser extent, woman) is faced with an ageless quandary: when can I drink next, and how much? With that, I offer my help with the following list of scenarios and their respective amounts of drinks to be consumed. Units will be in “drinks” (= 1 shot, 1 beer, 1 cocktail, or 4 glasses of wine). Because my unique brand of science is based on personal, anecdotal field research, I will use my rough proportions as well: male, 6’1” (rounding up), 175 lbs. lean muscle, 0% body fat, and those weird lower-hip dimples that Brad Pitt and other guys in ridiculous shape have. Here we go …

Middle of a work day
Monday-Thursday, no more than two at lunch. Friday – nothing matters.

Baby shower
Five. (Keep in mind that this equates to 20 glasses of wine.) More if you hardly know anybody.

The beach
Ha, you can’t get drunk on a beach! Go nuts, then blame your behavior on heat exhaustion. Plus, a quick ocean dip lowers BAC by about 0.5%.

Birthday party for someone in early 20s
Like, 12.

Birthday party for someone in late 20s and beyond
Like four. You’re probably celebrating on a weeknight anyway because nobody goes out on the fucking weekend anymore.

By yourself, at home
So now that you’re home from that mid-week b-day party, it’s time to really cut loose! Three drinks. In 40 minutes. Maybe check to see how old girlfriends are doing on Facebook, just out of curiosity. You’re over them. You’re over ALL of them.

Job interview
Just enough to get the jitters out. One-two drinks.

State of the Union address
Depends how many times President _____ says “____.” Grab at least a six pack, though. These fellas like to talk.

Funeral
None at the wake/burial (unless you’re related); seven at the reception.

Sporting event
Now, this one’s tough, and it’s going to depend on the sport. Soccer’s only 90 minutes plus half-time, so that’s a solid five drinks. Hockey is similar. Football games, you’re gonna need a couple beforehand, plus some food, then another five to eight during the games, cause those are pretty long. For baseball, you’re going to want to show up with about 10 drinks in your system, or a good book, because that sport is close to unwatchable so you’re going to need an activity. Games also last like three-to-six hours, so make sure to have at least one drink per hour to keep your liver from catching up and leaving you wildly sober/aware of where you are and what you’re doing.

Wedding
Ah. This is what those of us on the wrong side of 25 like to call “The Ultimate.” Aside from recovering from surgery, weddings are one of an adult’s only opportunities to really let loose and hit rock bottom, for a safely contained period of time. The sky is the limit. Hopefully you’re responsible, and are already hungover from the night before the wedding so you won’t make a dummy out of yourself at the actual wedding. All bets are off for the reception. In all likelihood, you will ruin things. You will say things to the bride that you will regret. You might even dance if you get really drunk. And then, the next day, you will pull the pieces together and fly away, like a mysterious, substance abusing Cat in the Hat.

Don't worry! You don't have to do all this shit while you're drinking.

Don’t worry! You don’t have to do all this shit while you’re drinking.

Well, that’s it for now. If I get some positive feedback, I might continue this. Or, if it’s like every other post, I won’t and will keep driving blind.

~BLAG

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10 Responses to The gentleman’s guide to how much you should drink at different things

  1. blag2point0 says:

    I get really bummed out by the loooong sections of your next Blahg.

    Please send any followup responses to my summer email address.

  2. blag2point0 says:

    The “next” in that comment was a typo. But it is probably true.

  3. BLAG says:

    Yeah, but how stoked do you get for the really short parts?

  4. I came across your blog website on google and check a few of your early blogposts. Continue to keep inside the very good function. I just added up your Feed to my MSN Information Reader. Looking for forward to reading more from you later on!

  5. creeped says:

    You forgot about how many drinks when you are are visiting Munich during Oktoberfest. The answer depends on whether you are with a group of Americans (Miller Lite) or with a group of people from anywhere else in the world. Except maybe the Japanese.

    • BLAG says:

      Fuck it, I’ll reply to this one, too: I could make an effort to fight the negative stereotype that all Americans are piss-swilling light-beer drinkers, conveniently ignoring the empty Narragansett tallboy in the trash under my desk. I will instead copy and paste a recent Facebook status of mine own construction (it got 10 “likes”!):

      Homemade Miller Lite recipe:
      1. Pour several cans Coors Light into pitcher
      2. Leave in sun until hot
      3. Serve chilled, add animal urine to taste
      4. Enjoy 🙂

  6. creeped says:

    I know exactly how you feel. A few years ago I thought I found the love of my life. He was my first true love. After three months I told him, drunkly. He awkwardly did not reciprocate. Still, we had another five months of joy and then, what seemed to come from no where, he told me it wasn’t working.

    It was over.

    For keeps.

    And it was Australia Day.

    (Which happens to be my favourite public holiday).

    I felt like I had lost part of myself. And it’s as you say: I didnt want to leave the house because I thought people would look at me and see a shell of a man.

    I was a mess.

    I was a bore of an individual to my friends who (kindly) had to endure conversations about love and life and me and me and me.

    And it was awful.

    And then, eventually, it got better.

    And now I am amazing.

    You are a witty, kind hearted gem of a man. It will hurt. For who knows how long. But you will move on and eventually, maybe, just find the right guy for you.

    Glad you’re back.

    x

    • BLAG says:

      Ooh, either you meant this comment for someone else, or you are reading between some lines that I thought I was burying deep enough that I would never, ever need to address them! That said, you’re 100% correct. I am a witty, kind hearted gem of a man. For good or ill, however, I am as heterosexual as the day is long. Solidarity, though.

      • creeped says:

        Seeing as, after my somewhat well publicised conversion away from every thing Apple due mainly to it’s stubborn reliance to force you to do everything through iTunes, I refuse to admit that my Galaxy s4 has incredibly inferior and buggy versions of otherwise fairly stable iPhone apps, I will say that: yes, this comment was indeed meant for you and you are a wonderful, kind hearted, handsome young man and, yes, things WILL get better.

        Xoxo
        Gossip Girl.

    • BLAG says:

      God, I hope so.

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