Hey guys! I’m a huge introvert so, naturally, I feel compelled to write an exposé to the Internet about who I am and what I’m like! Extroverts may spend more time in the spotlight, but being an introvert is, in my dumb little opinion, vastly superior. Also, like most great journalistic exposés, this will be a listicle.
1. Introverts love being all by ourselves!
What’s better than being surrounded by friends and loved ones? Being totally alone! While humans are typically regarded as social animals who use numbers to an advantage, compensating for their own physical frailty with teamwork, strategy and communication, many humans have been successful completely on their own, and with no inclination towards self-promotion. This is what the United States military referred to as an “army of one.” Think about it: does having friends around make it easier to order a pizza? Fuck no, it doesn’t. We seek our happiness in the shadows, away from prying or caring eyes. Society’s rewards mean nothing to us!
2. Us introverts sure do like to think!
Ever wonder how you can finally achieve that sense of lasting, consistent happiness in life? Well, us introverts have discovered the secret: just sit there by yourself and think the hell out of it! If you think often and hard enough, examining your personal dreads and regrets in a stream-of-consciousness manner, you’ll find that happiness. This is something that people who are too busy laughing with friends will never understand! Wake up, sheep-overts!
3. For some reason, we still have AMAZING friends.
When you’re only capable of sustaining, like, four friendships at a time — tops — you get pretty close with your friends. Almost as close as extroverts get with lots of people. Except, for us introverts, it’s way fewer people. Which is more manageable, unless you’re an extrovert. Then it’s easy. Go introverts!
4. Introverts. Are. CAUTIOUS.
Headstrong. Optimistic. Characterized by a lust for life. These are all things introverts AREN’T. We introverts are realists. Would you rather be happy and seizing all of what life has to offer? Or would you rather be right more often and steel yourself for a constant stream of let-downs? Well, it doesn’t matter because it’s not a choice. I guess being an introvert is just dumb luck!
5. We’re dreamers!
While extroverts are busy living in the moment and talking to people, us introverts are more comfortable not paying attention to life, and instead “dreaming.” This can be anything from envisioning a physical manifestation of all your personal fears murdering you at once, down to little stuff, like existential anxiety.
6. We’re like encyclopedias!
When you have a real hard time functioning around other people, sometimes just staying in all the time and reading articles on the Internet can feel more rewarding, in a barely rewarding kind of way. And in a social situation, nothing livens up a party more than trivial non sequiturs spouted by a visibly anxious misanthrope!
7. Introverts do not require positive reinforcement.
Negative reinforcement works just fine! Our shame-o-meters are usually close to topping out by default, so we’re pretty easy to push into redline territory. This is a simple, effective, and fun way to manipulate us into doing things that extroverts don’t want to do!
8. Introverts think DEEP.
While all kinds of people are capable of deep thought, introverts are capable of little else, and have virtually no control over this super power. In fact, some introverts are so powerful, that their ability to think deeply keeps them in bed for days. Whoa!
9. Introverts are delightfully detached.
While extroverts practically can’t avoid connecting with people and engaging the world in a proactive way, introverts are carefully protecting themselves with a thick, cognitive shrink wrap. This shields our feelings from things like weather and other people. It also means we’re great at staying completely aloof during an emergency.
10. We’re mysterious!
Or at least we were until all these listicles came out. Oops!